Day 5 and a reminder from Jun

Lena cried 4 times this morning before we even got through breakfast.  We got back to the room and she cried 2 more times within a few minutes.  She cried last night after dinner 6 different times –and that was just after dinner.  She cries when she has to go to the bathroom, she cries when she's tired, she cries when she's afraid, when she's hungry, when she's irritated, and she cries when she just wants to complain, she cries when Todd and I hug, she cries when I hold, kiss, or play with Jun.  She cries ALL the time –except when she's having fun.   The only thing that stops Lena from crying once she starts is me.  And it takes a while to do it.  I have to hold her, cuddle with her, rub her head, and sing to her.  It's an entire routine she and I have worked out and it is exhausting. 

 

I have often described our first trip to China and the few months after that as intense.  Really intense is the only way to describe being here.  A 4 year old is so tiny and so young, but a 4 year also has language skills, has routines, enjoys certain foods, sleeps in certain ways, likes certain types of clothing, and has pretty well-established behaviors.  Our little family arrived in China and took Lena away from all she knew and loved about her life.  And all she was told by the caretakers in the orphanage is that she has to be a good little girl for her new family.  She is brave beyond all belief.  She needs us for everything, yet she is suddenly unable to communicate any better than a 6 month old.  Of course she cries.  It's our duty to convince her as quickly and sincerely as we can that we will feed her when she needs it, get her to the bathroom when has to go, give her a bed to sleep in, keep her safe, give her clothes to wear, and, most of all love her.  We have to make her a part of our family. We have to make sure she knows we love her and will keep her safe no matter what happens.   I look at her face and I just can't imagine what she must be thinking.  The entire process is just so overwhelming for us all.   

 

Me, I'm exhausted.  I want to openly play with my son, I want to hug my husband, I want to have 20 minutes free of tears.  I want a hug from my own mother.  I want to eat a bowl of spaghetti with homemade sauce on it while drinking a big glass of water that came from my kitchen sink.  And I really, really want to go for a run!  I want to walk outside and know where I'm going, and know that I can ask directions if I don't .  I carry Lena everywhere we go, literally.  I carry her to the elevator, to breakfast, to the park, all around the park, I carry her up and down the street.  I carry her everywhere we go.  I want to walk more than 200 yards by myself.  I don't really want people to speak my child in Mandarin and have her understand what they are saying while I have no idea.  At this moment we are just past the halfway point and I'm tired, and I'll admit it, I'm ready to head home.  I love to travel and I love to check out new places, but a trip to China to adopt a child is not exactly the best time to be a tourist.  Going out for coffee is a big deal with a new child, going out to the tourist attractions is an even bigger deal that really isn't possible.

 

I remember feeling exactly like this 2 ½ years ago when we adopted Jun.  I realize I sound selfish.  I realize I sound like some spoiled American.  I realize I have nothing to complain about.  It's just that I had somehow forgotten just how difficult the entire process is.  Today while I was feeling overwhelmed with it all and Lena was crying again, I had the following conversation with Jun. 

 

"Jun, how many times do you think Lena will cry today?"

"I don't know, Mommy.  Maybe 2050 times."

"Oh, poor me, I'm kinda tired."

"No, Mommy, poor Lena, she's going through a lot right now."

 

Leave it to the 5 year to simply lay it on the line for me.  It's not about me, it's not about Todd, it's not even about Jun right now.  It's about Lena, and our job is to do everything we can to make her life happy and secure as quickly as possible right now.